Decisions That Drastically Improved the Quality of my Life as a Woman
Decisions That Drastically Improved the Quality of my Life as a Woman
Including why I always keep men in my circle.
Hi, darling! This is a longer one, so feel free to read the full post in your browser.
There’s this fun trend going around Substack notes where you link a quote explaining why you started your Substack. My newsletter, Dear Darling, is a newsletter for women about the ways we take control over our lives (a topic I LOVE!). Want to know something random that lit my fire for that? A Tyler Perry movie. Wait, hear me out! 😂 Let me explain …
When I was in high school, my mother took me to see Tyler Perry’s For Colored Girls. As a budding writer, I remembering finding the film’s poetic monologues inspiring. Yet, being so young, I didn’t fully grasp the complexities and emotions of the stories. What I do remember, however, is my mother’s reaction. In the car on the way home she asked what I thought, and we discussed how we felt about the various storylines. Then, she said something I’ve never forgotten, “Don’t ever let someone take away your power. Don’t ever give your power away. And if you do, you can always take it back.” Love that woman.
In fact, I just love women period. I love being a woman. I love us! There is nothing that excites me more than an empowered woman. I always want us as women to know how powerful we are, and to have places we can go to help us find that power again if we ever lose our way. More than anything, that’s why I started Dear Darling. As a place for young women, middle-aged women, and wise women to trade advice and encouragement across generations. To remind us how beautiful life can be when we step into our power and reclaim control over our lives. A task, I’m currently doing with my own life after a tough season.
Enter today’s post.
Something they don’t tell you in childhood about being a grown woman? 99.9% of your time is making decisions. I don’t know about you, but there are days when I need Jesus to take the wheel! Days where if I had to make one more decision I would lose my entire mind, lol. But such is life. And while we can’t run from the responsibility of decision-making, we can do our best to make the best decisions possible for ourselves. Decisions that, when made, allow us to feel empowered, encouraged, and (my favorite one!) free.
I wanted to share decisions I’ve made for myself that have worked wonders to improve my quality of life as a woman, grant me peace, and allowed me take control over my life (and yes, there are quite a few involving men…).
Moving Away from a City I Love to Live Near Supportive Family
When I lived on my own across the country from my family, there would be periods where I struggled with loneliness and isolation. Sure, I had friends, I had a career, and I was dating, but I didn’t have the ability to spend time with my family. I didn’t have the people that know, love, and support me best in my day-to-day life. I didn’t feel rooted.
I deeply value family and relationships. I need the people I cherish nearby. When I have access to the people I love, my entire quality of life improves. I’m happier, I feel more free, I feel supported, and I feel deeply loved. Those things allow me to live more confidently, to make bolder decisions, and to also recover from setbacks and failures in a space of genuine love and support. Plus, there is nothing in this world that I love more than being able to jump in the car and go see my mother. That is my girl, and I wouldn’t trade that ability for the world.
Not Having Children (no matter how in love I was)
Currently, I am a single woman, and I don’t have children. I’ve been in long term relationships and I’ve been with men I deeply loved, but in all situations I always made the conscious decision to not have children. Not having to care and support a child has drastically improved my opportunities to travel, move, change careers, save money, and make self-focused decisions.
I’m not saying children automatically worsen your quality of life. Not at all. I actually believe in the right context, with the right partner, at the right time, children could improve the quality of my life. But, not right now. I’m still learning myself, and I’m still discovering exactly how I want to live the rest of this life. Plus, I haven’t said yes to the man I want to marry yet. I think the most responsible thing to do to honor myself, is to be responsible only for myself.
Said with love: To all my younger ladies who are looking to live a life on your own terms, if you do not want a child right now, and you are not a fan of abortions, the safest thing you can do for yourself as a woman is to just cut sex out altogether. The pleasure is not worth the trade-off of a baby you do not want. You have power over your sex life, and over yourself. Be safe, and do what is best for you!
Not Having Sex
Now, I love a good love affair, but the amount of control, power, and fruitfulness I have in both life and relationships when I'm not having sex? Insane.
I am a highly emotional woman, and bonding with a man I adore sexually takes me to a crazy high. It’s almost like a drug, I can become so wrapped up in the connection that it easily becomes a distraction that deters me from my goals. When I take sex off the table, it removes emotional attachments which may impact my decision making. Plus, when it comes to my health? Oh honey, I am a worrier! And darling, not having to worry about diseases or pregnancy? Oh, that’s a type of peace that money can’t buy. Praise God.
Accepting Help
I don’t have a desire to do life alone, and I’m not a fan of unnecessary struggle. I can be independent when independence is required, but I will always accept the appropriate help. Of course there is discernment. I’m not just accepting anybody's help. But, if it’s a trusted hand? I will take the assistance whether it’s an opportunity, advice, an introduction, money, resources, etc. I have no desire to make life harder for myself. If you are offering me help I will take it.
Keeping Men in My Circle & Nurturing those Relationships
A man’s protection is valuable, and for that reason I keep men in my circle. The perspective a good man offers? Valuable. The help a good man offers? Valuable. A man’s friendship offers me protection, companionship, guidance, and comfort. I make an effort to maintain those relationships. (Part of that reason does include the decision 6 points down, too).
Solo Traveling
I grew up in a very travel-active family where my parents always expressed the importance of traveling. As an adult woman, I still travel regularly (right now, about once a month), but now I travel solo. I’ve found traveling on my own keeps me in my own world. I can get indecisive at times, and solo traveling is an activity that forces me to make definite decisions about what I want, what I like, and what I deem worth my money. In doing so, it’s increased my confidence in making big decisions and spending large amounts of money. Traveling also allows me to explore my interests, and encourages growth by placing me in unfamiliar environments to challenge myself.
Exercising Daily
I once had a high school gym teacher say, “if you can move around and sweat for at least 30 minutes a day, you’ll be good. And make sure you keep your hamstrings loose!” Words to live by, huh? He was right, though. Exercising daily improves my day-to-day mood. It keeps my energy and focus up, I’m more disciplined and motivated during the rest of the day, and it helps manage emotional worries such as anxiety and depression.
I don’t do an intense workout everyday. I go through seasons where I’m heavy on cardio, or consistent with yoga, pilates, or barre. It just depends on what I feel my body needs at the time. Either way, I still try to move at least 30 minutes a day, even if it’s just intense stretching and some dancing.
Not Talking Down on Myself, Especially Publicly
Public includes digitally, btw. There is a key difference to vulnerably sharing your emotions and insecurities, and picking yourself apart. I do myself, nor those around me, any favors by shrinking myself. I always consider this quote by Marianne Williamson, “You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you [….] And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.”
Seeking God First & Actively Practicing my Faith
There is no greater foundation. Before family, before partners, before career, before my own desires, seeking God before all is what makes my life beautiful. He gives me clarity, strength, a place to turn to, mercy, love, grace, the list is endless. I’ve found the times in my life I feel the most lost are when I’m not actively practicing my faith. The times I feel most at peace? In walking with Him. Also, keeping myself surrounded by people who push me toward the Lord and not away from him, has been highly beneficial, too.
Learning to Control my Emotions
I am, by nature, a highly sensitive and passionate woman. One of the best decisions I’ve made is to actively work on controlling my emotions instead of letting them control me. I don’t always get it right, but when I’m in control of my emotions I am able to make sound decisions, and respond to things instead of react. Plus, I give myself the gift of time and space to process my emotions safely.
I Do Not Argue with Men
Full stop. Most of my male friends will tell you I’m not afraid of confrontation, and I love to debate every topic under the sun. But, shouting? Genuine, anger-fueled confrontations? Oh darling, absolutely not. I do not fight with men. If a man wants to argue with me, he can talk to my partner, one of the men in my circle, or a man in my family, but I don’t engage. I am not arguing with a grown man, that’s a firm boundary. For me, it’s a form of protection. It’s also a choice to protect my peace of mind and my comfort. If you want to raise your voice and talk crazy to someone, do it to another man. I’m also not overly fond of men cursing in my presence, either, but that’s another topic.
Requiring and Expecting Things from Men
When I’m around men, I do expect certain things. I do ask them to do things for me. I do state things I need. And I’m not talking financially {that’s a completely different conversation}. I’ve found it’s improved my relationships with men.
Seeking Wisdom from Older Women
Something I’ve started to notice as I’ve gotten older is that there are a lot of twenty year olds giving a lot of life advice. I’m not knocking it. I was the same way lol. It’s cute and can be helpful, but I’ve found the real jewels have come from older women. They know the game, they’ve been around the block, and they offer so much wisdom. Plus, their energy tends to be much calmer. Youth tends to see everything as a crisis that needs to be solved. A lot of older women will tell you it’s not that deep.
Prioritizing my Health & Safety
I am a strong advocate of maintaining regular doctors visits with regular blood work. I also consult with a professional to breakdown and explain the bloodwork, as a lot of doctors won’t go over labs unless explicitly asked or there is something noticeably wrong. Add in regular exercise, and keeping an eye on what I eat {a struggle at times since I travel and dine out frequently}.
Going Where I’m Valued
Like many women, I’ve done the dance of trying to make myself be seen and chosen in an arena where I simply wasn't valued. The minute I decided I’m not fighting for value, it took a giant weight off my shoulders.
I think highly of myself, but I’m still aware that I’m not everything to everyone. There will be people, places, and situations where I’m not celebrated. It doesn’t mean those people/spaces are inherently evil or ‘don’t see my worth’. it just means they aren't my spaces. When I stay in spaces I’m not valued (whether that’s a job, a city, a love affair, friendship, etc.), I become insecure, anxious, self-critical, obsessive, depressive, and an overall worse version of myself. Life constantly becomes a fight to prove my worth. Yeah….no. I’m not doing it. Now, I'll go where I’m celebrated because it allows me to live a life where I feel free.
Ignore What Doesn’t Apply
I don’t harp on what I don’t want or don’t like. I don’t acknowledge it and I don’t engage. The red pill men? I don’t know them. Men who aren't attracted to my type of beauty? Can’t see them. Conversations on relationship wars? I can’t hear a thing.
Now, I do think conversations and community work are important and necessary to address some of these issues in order to mend disconnects and push the culture forward. However. I pick and choose my battles. Visiting my local Girls, Inc. center and talking with young girls about self-image, dating advice, red and green flags to watch out for, etc? Oh, I’m with it all day! Watching pop the balloon videos, debating on twitter over who pays the bill, calling a man dusty, dissecting pick me behavior, labeling myself (or anyone else) high or low value? Absolutely not. Again, I go where I’m loved, I go where I’m valued, and I go where I feel safe. Anything else, I’m Mariah Carey, “I don’t know her.”
I have no doubts as I continue to age, I’ll collect more and more decisions to add to this list. Like infinity stones1, I’ll gather them one by one to empower myself to my wisest form.
I hate to see women struggle, and I love when women have that moment where we make one decision that drastically improves our situation for the better. I’d love to hear what was a decision you made that improved your life and made you feel powerful?
xo, Zauni Tanil
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Anytime I reference the Avengers, I will always take the opportunity to remind everyone Captain America is the worse. *evil glare*