Lessons From My Mother
Lessons From My Mother
The greatest to ever do it. Meet the woman who taught me how to live well and shamelessly love myself.
The pisces to my gemini.
My mother is my sounding board. Ah, what a woman. She’s an unbelievably kind, beautiful, intelligent, highly accomplished, take-no-prisoners, work your ass off, do what needs to be done, all while wearing a fresh coat of lipstick type of woman. A true Southern woman.
I wrote about the women who helped shape my idea of womanhood, and my mother was a huge impact. Through her words and her support, she’s guided me through the storms of what it takes to build a life. She’s helped me navigate my career in media, my walk with Christ, finding my identity as an adult and as a woman, battles with depression and suicidal ideation, heartbreak, finances, style, cultural education, emotional regulation, and much more.
Even in my thirties, I still crave my mother’s words of wisdom and call her about nearly everything. I wanted to share advice she’s given me because it’s improved my life. Sometimes we all just need some good mother advice. Here are a few gems my mother has blessed me with throughout our relationship…
You are Making Your Own Self Miserable.
If I could sum up my mother’s advice in four words it’d be, ‘it’s not that serious.’ She has taught me that youth tends to see everything as a crisis, while the wisdom of age knows how to triage problems, and deal with life a bit more calmly and efficiently.
Many times I’ve come to her with a career setback, a relationship issue, or a self-image problem that has driven me to the edge of insanity, and she’s helped me to see that a lot of my stress stems from making decisions and looking at situations through a lens that makes myself miserable. It’s allowed me not see everything as a crisis, and instead shift perspective to take control over the situation. Thank you, mom.
What you want at 20 will not be what you want at 30.
What you want at 30 won’t be what you want at 40. And so on, and so forth. As someone who was so passionate and self-assured in her twenties, I thought she was being dramatic. Until I hit 30, and what I wanted started to drastically change. I find it freeing to know what I want will constantly evolve, and I’m not tied to the dreams of my youth.
Don’t Argue In Public.
This. It was one of the first pieces of advice she gave my high-school boyfriend and I in the beginning days of our 8-year relationship. It took us a while to get it right, but looking back her advice had so much merit. Being a united front in public, while solving emotional disagreements with one another in private strengthened our communication and taught us how to move in sync as a unit. I’m a better communicator, woman, and lover for it.
And, so? Deal with it and Move On.
As a woman with a cancer moon, my emotions can be insane. I have a hard time letting things go without experiencing every last inch of every last emotion. I need to feel everything! As a young woman, my mom’s no-nonsense, it-is-what-it-is response used to anger me. Now, as an adult woman, her perspective has saved me time, emotional outbursts, and taught me acceptance and how to move forward. In short, she helps me stop dwelling, and gives me tools to pick myself up and move forward with life. Thanks mom, love you for that, girl.
Put on Some Lipstick. Fix Your Hair.
Every woman on my mother’s side of the family tells me this. Every single one. And you know what? I love them for it. I’ll dabble more on this later throughout this newsletter, but I believe so strongly how you present yourself to the world matters. Darling, it matters.
Make a Decision. If it Doesn’t Work Out, Make Another One.
Not every decision is the end of the world. Plus, the more decisions you make the less critical each one feels. If there is one thing my mother will not let me do for extended periods of time, it’s dwell on something to the point I feel I have no power. “You always have a choice,” she’ll say. “Even when it doesn't feel like it, you do. So, take your power back.” God, I love that woman.
Put Some Clothes on and Get out of the House.
Her insistence to get up and get out has helped me in times when isolation and depression attempt to suffocate me. Even if it’s just to drive around, or walk around an outdoor mall, the act of getting dressed and going out into the world can be a saving grace when you feel like you’re drowning.
Men will give you whatever it is you want. You just have to know how to ask.
Girl. Definitely more on this soon, but the truth behind this???? Mother, thank you for the divine wisdom of womanhood.
Just DO IT!
At some point, you have to get out of your head, put a stop to analyzing your emotions, and just do what needs to be done. My mother is the greatest role model for this, because if there is something that needs to be done she will get it done before you can end the sentence. She doesn’t even give herself time to complain about it, or overthink, she simply takes care of business. Her word is bond. Her reliability is such a beautiful trait. I try my best to emulate it.
Take Responsibility for Yourself.
Take responsibility for your relationship with God, for what you give to this world, for how you treat others, for the decisions you make in this life, for how you treat yourself, for how you allow others to treat you, for the direction you’re going, and so on and so forth. It’s a simple phrase, but a weighted concept. As someone who can slip into the ‘woah is me’ pity party, this advice has given me power; it helps me find the strength to stand back up again and take control over my situation.
Your word is trash.
Friends my age will allow me grace when I don’t follow through on something. My mother will not. Once, after complaining about something, I told her I was going to make a change in my life to fix it. She flat out said, “No you won't. I don’t believe you because your word is trash.” It sounds harsh, but I love when she calls me out on my shit. She was right. I had a habit of not seeing things through, a habit once she called me out on, I realized I wanted to fix. Sometimes all you have is your word, and I do not want my word to be unreliable.
Men always come back.
Always. At some point, in some way, there they always are. Now, whether you want them or not is a different story…
Sometimes there is no why. Sometimes there is no deeper explanation.
To all my young, beautiful, twenty something women reading this, I beg of you please take this one to heart. You can drive yourself crazy overthinking and overanalyzing something that really does not need to be dissected.
And Finally….. There is Nothing in this World We Cannot Get Through Together.
My superwoman. The amount of times this one line has saved me. She never lets me feel alone in the world, and even when she can’t physically (or even emotionally) reach me, she pushes me toward God as a fierce reminder I am never walking this Earth alone. This has allowed me to greet so many hardships with peace and perspective. It’s helped me sustain storms. It’s allowed me to move as a more confident woman.
I love seeing these photos of my mom as a woman, not just a mother. It makes me emotional knowing she was once where I am, and felt things similar to what I feel now. Yet, she managed to pull forward and create a great life for herself. I’m just always in awe of her. I cannot thank God enough for blessing me to have her as a mother. That’s my girl, my best friend, and my emotional pisces who always gets me (even when she doesn’t get me lol). Love you, mom.
xo, Zauni Tanil
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Is Mom accepting friendship applications?! This was a great read, also sis is on point about knowing how to ask 🙃 men truly will come through when it’s done in a way that resonates.
Thanks for sharing, and yes, the photos shared are so cool.