I'm Not Looking For Forgiveness, and I'm Way Past Asking Permission
I'm Not Looking For Forgiveness, and I'm Way Past Asking Permission
On the women who taught me how to be a woman.
I’ve always been drawn to powerful women.
And batshit crazy women. Seductive women. Glamorous women. Difficult women. Angry Women. Genius women. The whole gambit. As a young girl, I remember falling madly in love with Angelina Jolie’s portrayal of psych-patient Lisa in Girl, Interrupted. I was captivated by Helena Bonham Carter’s wild hair and uncontrollable, frantic shouting as Bellatrix1 in Harry Potter. I remember being in awe of Halle Berry’s glamour and allure in Introducing Dorothy Dandridge, and being so smitten with Eartha Kitt’s joyous voice and boisterous laughter as Madame Zeroni in Holes I just wanted the chance to be near her.
As I got older, I found myself drawn to Dita Von Teese’s powerful seduction, and intrigued by Zoe Kravitz’s effortless, rockstar cool. Then, when Gillian Flynn’s infamous character Amy Dunne of Gone Girl entered the literary scene I found myself enamored with Dunne’s cool, matter-of-fact acceptance towards her own insanity. On television, the powerful way Kerry Washington portrayed Olivia Pope in Scandal was a thing of beauty. And to this day, Megan Follows performance as Catherine de' Medici in Reign is still an intoxicating example of a woman who unapologetically did whatever she needed to do to survive. To quote one of her lines,“history is told by the survivors, my dear, and I am most surely that.”
In short, you could say I’ve always loved a woman who knows what she wants.
It wasn't just entertainers and fictional characters. It was my mother, too. Growing up, I was fascinated by how I watched her take control to rebuild her life after divorcing from my father. I used to sit in the bathroom and watch in awe as she would get dressed in beautiful, sparkly dresses to attend lavish dinners with handsome men. She took a situation of pain and betrayal, and built her life and career into something that would bring her satisfaction. It was a privilege to watch.
All these women were so culturally and physically different, but there was a common thread that attracted me to them – they took control of their situations and made life work for them the best they could. They demanded, they decided, they took action, and they were deeply unconcerned with asking permission.
Watching these women conquer their lives is why being a woman always seemed like life’s ultimate power.
As a young girl, I couldn’t wait to finally become a grown woman. In my youthful eyes, womanhood meant finally being the full expression of who I was, and allowing it to run wild. It meant control. It meant creating my own world, and choosing to fully exist within my own story. As I’ve matured, I’ve come to understand that was the real trait I admired so fiercely about all those women. No matter the situation, they were committed to the full expression, the complete realization, of themselves.
Come hell or high water.
Now that I’m a grown woman, I wonder have I done them justice?
Growing up, admiring these women gave me the desire to be authentically true to myself, and to honor my voice. As I’ve gone through life, that desire (along with my faith and how I was raised) has helped me learn to take control over my life. It’s helped me own my voice, and walk confidently into scary rooms. It’s helped me be more successful in relationships. It’s helped me firmly say no to things I do not want, and empowered me to boldly claim what I do.
As I sit here at 31, I realize watching those women helped encourage me to navigate life without constantly looking over my shoulder for advice or approval. Because darling in this season? Oh, I'm not looking for forgiveness from anyone. And I'm way past asking permission.2
Taking control over my life has allowed me to live so many lives already. I’ve worked for magazines, luxury boutiques, lingerie stores, and wellness centers. I’ve lived my Sex and the City dream and worked for Sarah Jessica Parker (she was very kind). I’ve had really dazzling love affairs with some very interesting men. I’ve had uncomfortable heart breaks. I’ve failed at various businesses and creative projects. Right now, I’m starting a newsletter and figuring out how to build it. I work in luxury media. I write poetry books. I travel frequently. I’m constantly creating, editing, stumbling, failing, building, and modifying my own world. Sometimes it’s fun and sexy and fabulous! Sometimes it's one big, giant, ugly mess. Sometimes it’s vibrant and social. Sometimes it’s lonely and hopeless. But one sweet truth about it? It’s mine.
And, I don’t want to be in anyone else’s world, but my own.
I don’t want anyone else’s experiences, friendships, or love affairs, but mine. I don’t want anyone else’s beauty, but my beauty. I value other people's stories, I appreciate and admire them, but darling my life is mine. And since it’s my responsibility to write my own story, I’ve chosen to unapologetically write the hell out of it. Fear be damned.
How are you writing your story?
In taking time to reflect on all the women I’ve admired, I do hope I’ve made those women proud. Like them, I hope to be just as wild and free and true to myself. But, one thing I know for sure? I have, and will continue, to make myself proud.
Come Hell or high water.
xo, Zauni Tanil
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Yes, unfortunately this is a Captain America quote. Captain America is my least favorite avenger, so I write this begrudgingly *evil stare*.
✌🏽 Hi, it's me in the comments. Who are the women that shaped your perspective of womanhood? Please share, I'm curious! xo.