I’m Very Hard to Kill

How I find my way back after losing myself.

Women taking control of their lives is my favorite genre. 

Last week I updated the bio for Dear Darling to read: conversations on womanhood, including all the fun, sexy, and powerful parts of being a woman.

When it comes to stories on womanhood and femininity, there’s already so much (necessary) writing about the healing and traumatic parts of womanhood. With Dear Darling I specifically wanted to carve out a place to talk about the real, raw parts of womanhood, but also to highlight the fun parts! You know, like falling all giggly in love, shopping for beautiful lingerie, traveling with friends, becoming bolder in life, etc. In short, the delicious richness of life that comes alongside the healing.

And I’ll get back to that soon. 

But I’ve always been a writer who writes what she feels. My emotions are the compass to my pen. And, quite honestly, since I’ve been in the middle of a quiet borderline episode these past few weeks, most of my emotions have been, well, insane. I haven’t felt like myself.

Anyone relate? Let’s talk about it. 

Lately, I’ve been dealing with an episode of dissociation. If you’re unfamiliar with Borderline or any personality disorder that deals with dissociation, let me tell you in the most simplest of terms – it sucks.

In an episode, I become void of any remnants of myself. It’s almost like an empty shell. It steals my vibrancy. It quiets the best parts of me. It eradicates any will to live. It deprives me of any knowledge of myself.

It's almost like an odd form of amnesia. I’m aware of things happening around me, but they are separate from me. I see things about myself and my life, people are telling me things about myself and my life, but I have no tie to them and I can't digest it all to work out who I am. I wake up one morning and all of the sudden I feel like I’m in someone else’s house living someone else’s life (I’ve literally left my own home because it felt like someone else’s). 

It can be overwhelming. I’m not sure why it happens, but I try not to harp on the why too much. When trouble would hit her, my grandmother used to always say, “well, why not me?! What’s so special about me that something bad can’t happen to me?” My mother? Same boat. Her response to life’s hardships is always to deal with it head on, and then move forward. I guess I’ve inherited that gene, albeit I’m a lot more outwardly sensitive, as well. I’ve accepted it’s something I have to deal with in my life. Since it is part of my reality, I’ve had to learn how to navigate life alongside it. 

So, what do I do when I lose awareness of who I am? Well, quite simply I have to fight to find my way back. 

You may not be borderline, but maybe you’ve had a similar episode of feeling lost in life. You know, a time when you couldn't quite figure out who you were, or what was going on in your world? I feel like many of us have many seasons like that. Especially in today’s social media climate where our feeds are filled with advice on the best ways to live in order to be our ‘best selves’. It’s no surprise we lose our way quite often in this life. Identities get rocked. 

Today’s newsletter is an exercise I do to help remind me who I am, and I’m hoping it’s something that may help you, too.

I write down a list of facts I know about myself, separate from things I’ve accomplished, things I own, things I want, or things that have happened to me. I just write down a list of things I know about myself until I run out. Even something as simple as ‘I am Zauni and my favorite color is black.’ 

Does it always bring me right back to myself? No. But, it’s part of the fight. It’s part of finding my way back to myself. It reminds me who I am from my own voice absent of the input of others, even those who love me (that comes later). I’ve shared some of my most recent list below.

As Dear Darling has some new subscribers (thank you!) I thought it’d be a nice way to introduce myself to you while also re-introducing me back to myself.

I am Zauni and I love people dearly.

I am Zauni and I love writing words that make people feel seen.

I am Zauni and I am reliable to those I love.

I am Zauni and one of my favorite things is laughter.

I am Zauni and I care deeply about people's stories.

I am Zauni and I take pride in my appearance. 

I am Zauni and I believe in manners and good etiquette.

I am Zauni and my sense of discovery is childlike. 

I am Zauni and I am fascinated by life, by living, by simply being alive.

I am Zauni and my mother is my best friend. 

I am Zauni and I love love.

I am Zauni and my presence encourages and empowers those I love.

I am Zauni and I love spending quality time with people I love.

I am Zauni and I deeply appreciate a thoughtful gesture.

I am Zauni and I am emotional and expressive.

I am Zauni and I am very hard to kill. 

I am Very Hard to Kill.

That’s the one. You want to know the most irritating thing about those periods of life where you lose yourself? They try so damn hard to make you give up on yourself. Losing your sense of identity and purpose can make you want to tap out of life. Pronto. So, when I’m in periods where I’m fighting to get back to myself, that one line is what I always come back to.

In the height of those episodes, I think about my 31 years of life thus far, I think about how intensely this disorder has tried to take me out, and every episode I’ve overcome before. I think about the pain, and then I think about the fact I’m still here. Still standing. And I chuckle with a smug smile as I realize I am very hard to kill. I’m fighting something that has never won. And God’s will, it never will.

I don’t know when I’ll come out of this episode I'm currently in. But I do know one thing, I will not die here. I will fight long enough to get back to myself. Because when I read that list from above out loud, Zauni sounds like a wonderful woman I’d love to know. A cool woman I’d love to meet. A woman worth the fight. 

I hope you feel your list does, too.

“Did anything good come of this? Not really. But I learned something encouraging... I’m very hard to kill.” — Molly’s Game (2017).

xo, Zauni Tanil
Dear Darling features conversations on womanhood, including all the fun, sexy, and powerful parts of being a woman. Please consider subscribing below, I’d love to have you.